DARK SIDE OF THE NEWT
Conservative potato head and accomplished jowl curator Newt Gingrich recently confessed his lifelong love of space. Outer space, that is. In an attempt to win Florida Space Coast votes (a phrase that invariably leads me to think of Space Ghost), Gingrich promised that ”by the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon, and it will be American.” He also promised that “constant energetic and excited activities” would draw people back to the Space Coast/Ghost “because it’s exciting and it’s dynamic, and who knows what next week is going to be like? Does that mean I’m a visionary? You betcha.”
Below, in no particular order, are 10 reasons why Newt Gingrich loves him some moon base:
1. Low gravity benefits those with massive head-domes and saggy bodies.
2. Space wives. All kinds of space wives.
3. Moon Base Reagan has a nice ring to it. So does Supreme Moon-King Gingrich
4. Chance to extend amnesty to actual alien grandmothers, not just Hispanic ones.
5. Moon base would provide new location for book signings.
6. Solves problem of Callista demanding new & increasingly exotic vacation destinations.
7. No food-stamps on moon, just paychecks.
8. Moon has overall grandiose vibe.
9. Surface is 100% oxygen & Clinton-free.
10. Not to sound like a broken record but.. space wives. Like, everywhere.