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Hypotheticals: Part One

Hammer of the Gods:
Zeus comes down from Olympus to slum it for a while with the puny mortals. You encounter him at a generic Irish bar and, as is often the case in Greek mythology, you accidently offend him (by ordering him a Bud Lite with Lime). He flies into a rage demands you pick one of two punishments. One punishment is to be transformed into a slug. You will be unsightly and effectively immobile but you’ll retain your ability to speak and interact with family & friends (albeit as a slug). They can carry you in a jar to movies, stash you on the dashboard for road-trips, portage you to baseball games, etc. The other punishment is to be transformed into a beautiful red fox. You’ll have no communication skills. You can watch the people you love from the fringes but never connect with them. The upshot is a new life of foxy mobility, freedom, and experiences. Which animal do you choose?

Bow Down Before The One You Serve:
Once every two months a peculiar event occurs. It only happens when you’re the center of attention, eg. giving a speech, presenting a business plan, receiving an award, etc. There’s always a moderately sized crowd, at least half of whom you don’t know. In the middle of your appearance one of two things happens. In the first scenario, a large German shepherd dog trots in carrying a handle of cheap vodka and a box of cigars. He drops them at your feet, sits obediently, and stares expectantly at you. He doesn’t leave until you take a drink or have a smoke. In the second scenario, twenty white swans fly in (or walk in where applicable). They form a tight semi-circle around you and bow down in deference. They remain as such for 20 seconds and then fly/walk away. Which visitation would you rather endure and be known for?

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Late At Night On A Country Lane:
Following a heated argument with your significant other, you take a drive to get away and clear your head. As you’re cruising down a dark farm road there’s a blinding flash of light. What happened? In one situation, you are abducted by aliens. They are benevolent, talkative, and interested in establishing a peaceful connection with humanity. They provide a number of specifics (the location of their planet, schematics for a few of their advanced technological items) and graciously take a photo of you with their captain. They also give you a vital theorem that will allow for interstellar travel with a few years of additional research & work. You are beamed back to your car unharmed and carrying definitive proof of extraterrestrial existence.

In the second situation, the flash of light is the result you rolling your car and crashing into a ditch. You die. A split second later you find yourself in an afterlife of sorts. It’s unlike anything described by conventional religions; it’s more of a second stage of spiritual existence rather than a judgement-based heaven/nirvana/paradise. It looks like a quiet seaside town that stretches on to the horizon. It’s sunny and warm. A deceased relative (or friend) greets you and speaks three sentences, three spiritual truths to share with the world. You return to life inside your crashed car. After you recover, the three truths you were given prove the existence of this afterlife to the rest of the world but offer no real details as to what it means.  

Which discovery would you rather make and why?

  • 1 year ago
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If you like music and politics and sports and cats and graphic design and hummus, you've come to the right place. Also, if anyone finds my Celtics hat that I lost in '94 or that spare set of keys I misplaced sophomore year of college, please contact me.
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