Tennessee Ain’t Gay (Also: Don’t Say Gay)
Let’s consider the sanctity of marriage through the lens of Republican heterosexuals. These righteous warriors have long practiced what they’ve preached: some hot, monogamous, man-on-biblically-devoted-woman action. Like Republican Congressman Bob Barr (Georgia) who introduced the Defense of Marriage Act. He was deeply concerned that, “the flames of hedonism, the flames of narcissism, the flames of self-centered morality are licking at the very foundation of our society, the family unit.” He was also concerned with licking whip cream off of hookers. Which is what he did. At his inauguration party. This was probably a shocking revelation to his current wife but not his previous two… to whom he owed mountains of child support. So, you know.
There are other great crusaders. Youth of today fan Mark Foley. Evangelical leader and massage/crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard. Family values defender Mike Duvall. Planned Parenthood opponent (and Kiss sound-alike) Paul Stanley. “It is my personal view that the largest proclamation of one’s faith ought to be in how one lives his life,” said Mark Sanford before abandoning his family & post to travel with his mistress. “I’m going to speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy,” promised Larry Craig while soliciting sex from an undercover cop in an airport bathroom. Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich loves the institution of marriage so much that he’s tripled down. And there are also all these folks.
With so much tradition on the line, it stands to reason that the great state of Tennessee (motto: "Come For The Music, Stay For The Glaring Ignorance") would pass a bill that prohibits discussing what consenting adults do in their personal lives. The so-called “Don’t Say Gay" bill "would make it illegal for educators to discuss any sexual behavior apart from heterosexuality with students in kindergarten up through the eighth grade." Here’s why it makes sense:
1. Bible Done Told Us What We Ain’t Supposed To Do: Heterosexuals (and specifically politicians who champion the cause) have the word of the Bible to go on. This unwavering moral compass is the only way to navigate the murky depths of marriage & family. Sure, same-sex parents may be in devoted, stable, relationships and want to raise children in supportive and nurturing households. Sure, these households are just as loving and happy. And yes, with 40-60% of all marriages ending in divorce, the institution is hardly a sacred cow. And fine, those who rail against homosexuality using biblical justifications are often hypocritically immoral to the point of absurdity. But come on, friend, it’s the Bible.
2. Kids’ll Do What They Learnt ‘bout: This facet of the argument accurately presupposes 1) being gay is an inherently bad thing and that 2) children always act on what they learn. When I read about dinosaurs in kindergarten, I immediately decided to be a triceratops. This knowledge planted a dark dinosexual seed in my young heart. A hapless victim of the “dino-agenda”, I (like many of my classmates) spent the next few years struggling against my perverse urges to roar, stomp, and succumb to extinction. The bottom line is this: if children know about homosexuality, they become gay. Immediately. And as social conservatives have proven many times over, ignoring something is truly the best way to address it. So to recap: rather than discussing different and equally valid families & lifestyles, Tennessee is shoving their proverbially head in the sand. It makes some herbivorous ceratopsids want to roar in disgust.
3. Stacey Campfield Gonna Rectify All That: The “Don’t Say Gay” bill is the brainchild of the rational and inspiring Stacey Campfield. His past hits include a bill to issue death certificates for fetuses, a bill forcing women to view an ultrasound before getting an abortion, and a bill to allowing guns on college campuses. Because, really, I can’t think of a better place for guns to be prevalent. A college campus. Think about the ten drunkest people on your freshman hall. With guns. Exactly.
Tennessee has clearly thrown their hat in the ring. This effort is aimed straight at the source of insidious gayness: reality. It’s a bold campaign to protect children from the sneaking horrors that lurk everywhere, in happy homes and caring individuals, in teachers, coaches, doctors, friends, family members, and paleontologists. A failure to quarantine homosexuality would be catastrophic. Imagine if your child thought of a gay person as a person? Or if they viewed sexuality as a part of who someone was but not their defining characteristic? What if (unlike their backwater ignorant forefathers) they were concerned with actual issues? What if your kids ended up open and accepting? God help us.